Tuesdays With Mary

God Bless

 

It was on July 4, 2006 that my mom passed away, and so I've had a year to think about it, accept it, and sometimes forget that she's not around.  Just a week ago my wife was showing me some handbags for sale at a charity event and I said "My mom would like that one."  It was a kind of wild African pattern and she probably would have liked it.  But it was still a weird feeling to think of her in the present when she has already passed.

I still get occasional emails and postings on this site.  I hope it can be a valuable resource for others, either people who knew my mother or those who have cancer in their family.  I've written about as much as I ever want to write about cancer for a while, so for new visitors I have marked a set of posts below as highlights.  These are the items that I think may be most useful for anyone trying to understand the process or sort out their own feelings.  I encourage you also to leave your comments on the blog by clicking on the comments link below any posting.

God bless everyone.  Think of my mom today.  And God bless Mary.

Note: I inadvertently let the domain name TuesdaysWithMary expire, breaking many of the links to photos and posts.  I have fixed these now. 

You can view the site using the navigation at the top and on the left hand side, or by using www.zurlocker.typepad.com/mary

Highlights

• Introduction - Why I wrote the blog
• Fast Facts about Ovarian Cancer - Sobering statistics
• Hurt - A Johnny Cash song summarized my feelings
• Long Dark Drive - Me and my thoughts driving from Miami in January
• What Do You Think of All This? - Visiting in the hospital
• Closure - Me, my mom and Bob Marley
• A Good Day - A conversation with my sister
• Good News - Back in Florida with my wife in February
• CA-125 Scores - The ups and downs
• Back in the Swing - My mother had a short recovery in April
• Palm Sunday - My mother is solemn but doing well
• Easter Monday - My mother outlives doctors' predictions
• Faith - My parents consider more chemo
• Sister Mary Jane - My views on medical marijuana
• Hospital again - Another trip back
• Decision - Deciding to abandon chemotherapy
• Back Home Again - With kind words from my mom's doctor
• The Beginning of the End - One more trip to Florida
• Taking a Trip - Understanding the final days
• The Last Goodbye - Final words to my mom
• Waiting - Camped out at my parent's house
• The Last Breath - And the saying of the rosary
• Funeral - Including a memorial tribute

External Resources

• New Treatment for Ovarian Cancer
• The Cancer Blog
• Ovarian Cancer Canada
• National Ovarian Cancer Coalition
• Marijuana Use for Cancer Patients
• Cancer & Medical Marijuana (PDF) 
• Last Stages of Life

Final Thoughts

Note: This posting is something I worked on several times shortly after my mother died as a kind of conclusion, but I was never able to complete it.  I never liked the idea of having a final post, so I suppose that's why I had so much trouble with it. As we are approaching the anniversary of her death, I am now posting it as is, along with one of my favorite pictures of my mom from September 2005, before she restarted chemotherapy. 

July 23, 2006

This may be my final posting on TuesdaysWithMary. At least, that's the plan. My mother passed away two and a half weeks ago and I've been stalling writing some kind of conclusion. There have been some tough days in the last couple of weeks. More than I would have expected. I know that there is a normal "grieving process" that you have to go through but knowing it and experiencing it are quite different.

I've had dreams where my mother was still alive, in her late stages of fighting cancer. That's quite haunting. And then there's just the normal thoughts that occur when I think about things she would like or something I would have told her. And sometimes there's emotional ups and downs that come out, seemingly for no reason.

Despite all the difficulties we've gone through in the last nine months, it has made us closer as a family. That can't be a bad thing. I'm glad I was able to spend time with my mother and grateful that I had flexibility in my job to be able to get to Florida so many times in the last year.

About a week before my mother passed away, I asked her if she had any regrets. She answered simply: "Sure." But she wasn't one to elaborate on negative thoughts. I have some regrets also, but they are pretty minor. I wish we had all gotten together at Christmas last year. But I don't think my mother minded, so I guess I shouldn't either. There will always be things I will miss about her. What would my mother think about this or that.

My father told me that if he had to do it all over again he might not have had my mother go through all the chemotherapy she did in recent months. Once the chemo stopped working, all she got out of it was the side-effects that weakened her and made her ill. But you always want to give something like that a chance, just in case. And there's no doubt that the chemo she had in earlier on extended her life by several years. So I don't know if anyone could decide differently under the same circumstances. Still, it's something for families to think about.